


A Ghost in My Body

by ZombieJesus



Series: Checkmate AU Side Fics and One-Shots [1]
Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Can I make you care?, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, Fatal feels, Inner vs. outer monsters, M/M, Monster and man, Mortality and Immortality, Oral Sex, Other, Shinigami emotions are beautiful not scary to me, Worship, emotional bond, tragic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-15 21:07:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13039428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieJesus/pseuds/ZombieJesus
Summary: One day Light, motivated by self-preservation, lets Ryuk get a little closer. This is dangerous for Ryuk given the depth of his feelings for Light. But he finds he can’t stop himself, despite what it means for his own likelihood of staying alive.“The nothingness was crippling. And here Light was at the end of it, an oasis in a meaningless existence, reaching out to offer something that was irresistible. Water poured through hands that couldn’t hold it. Wind flowing to breath that couldn’t catch it. A pinprick of callous care brought to an orb of self hate grown enormous, but fragile to bursting. And the danger of that. The fear as it approached, not as a stab but as a kiss.”Or, what if ‘Bad Bishop’ had gone a little differently.





	A Ghost in My Body

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Xoira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xoira/gifts), [exAm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/exAm/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Thoughts](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12951945) by [Xoira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xoira/pseuds/Xoira). 
  * Inspired by [Bad Bishop](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12676392) by [ZombieJesus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZombieJesus/pseuds/ZombieJesus). 



> December- Kent (https://youtu.be/QM20PSWAaL8)
> 
> And you can become a ghost in my body  
> Please, don’t turn your back on me again  
> Please, meet my gaze for the last time  
> Before you leave my body that has become too confined  
> We will end the saga soon  
> Where you are a rare species  
> The last of your kind

Light lay on his bed like he had for the past 10 nights since the death note had come into his possession, still and quiet in the dark. For the first 2 or so of those, he’d been unable to sleep with Ryuk’s red eyes watching him, boring into him. Even with his back turned, Light felt it, that gaze. It wasn’t just watching him out of curiousity. It wanted him. _Badly_.

 

The 6 nights after that, he’d gotten used to it. Most people looked at him like that, after all. Even people who really shouldn’t. _Why shouldn’t a death god fall under my spell as well?_ However, he’d never been remotely curious about any of the lustful people he’d ever met. But a god wanting him? Well, that was different. Beyond that, he knew there was one surefire way to kill a shinigami. _A way to be rid of him._ And the thought of having the death note without all the...inconvenient strings that came along with having Ryuk a part of it was so very enticing. _Ensnaring him could save my life._

 

And so for the past 2 nights, Light had wondered about that and how to do it. When it was just him and Ryuk. And while Ryuk didn’t need sleep, Light did. But he had become a terrible insomniac since taking possession of the death note. Ever since Ryuk had told him that he’d be the one to kill him, write his name in the end. _I can’t let that happen._

 

Light had approached his insomnia in a few different ways. Sometimes they’d chat until Light finally drifted off, and sometimes he’d ask Ryuk to turn around or leave so he could jerk off without a shinigami stare. He could usually sleep after that. But tonight, Light wasn’t really interested in doing either.  His curiosity and survival instincts were burning him up. It was time to see if the mortal Yagami Light could turn the head and capture the mind of a god.

 

Light turned his body in bed towards the open room, and gazed at Ryuk gazing at him. “Ryuk, why don’t you ever sleep?”

 

“Shinigami don’t need it. We’re capable of it but really, it’s just considered lazy, hyuk.” _And why would I waste a moment that I could be looking at you?_

 

“But you like to lie down and rest, feel comfortable, don’t you?”

 

“Yes. We feel comfortable or uncomfortable same as you.”

 

“Well, sitting in that corner on the floor looks pretty damn uncomfortable to me.”

 

Ryuk shrugged looking around, “Not a lot of options in here Light-o.”

 

Light whispered, “There’s room here.” And he scooted back on his queen bed to indicate a place for Ryuk. _Come closer Ryuk._

 

Ryuk’s eyes glowed brightly but he was wary. “I appreciate the offer but...I doubt you want me so near to you.” _I know you don’t._

 

Light’s stare didn’t shift. “I do.” 

 

And in an instant, Ryuk was there, now laying next to Light and gazing down at him with a curious expression, head propped up in his hand. “What prompted this?” _You knew I couldn’t resist, even knowing the trap._

 

Light smiled up at him from his pillow. “Not everyday someone gets to be close to a god of death. I’ve gotten used to you. I enjoy being near you now.” And Light was surprised to find that that was actually the truth.

 

”You shouldn’t trust me. I’m going to have to kill you one day you know.”

 

”One day soon?” He tensed a little.

 

”I hope not. You’re pretty entertaining, hyuk.”

 

”Then why should I worry?”

 

”Maybe you shouldn’t. You don’t seem to worry about much at all in fact. Quite unlike most humans.”

 

Light moved slightly closer to Ryuk. “I’m not like other humans. You know that.” _But I do worry Ryuk. I don’t want to die. I don’t want you to kill me._

 

Ryuk could smell his skin, soap and fresh laundry and a slight perspiration that hadn’t been there until just now. _You want to hear it so I’ll say it._ “You’re right, you aren’t.” 

 

“But I am human in other ways.”

 

”Like what...” _You lay your snares so softly, Light._

 

“I’m curious Ryuk...what does it feel like to be touched by a god?” He cast his amber eyes down to the bed and then back up to Ryuk, giving his best imitation of being coy.

 

Ryuk stilled. This was dangerous, but he wanted it more than anything in his long life. “Light...there’s rules against that. Shinigami can’t have sex with humans.” _A much as I’d like to, I do value my existence_.

 

”And what do those rules say exactly?” He turned over on his back and slowly pulled his shirt off over his head. _Look at me Ryuk...would you still kill me after you really see me? Touch me?_

 

“I’m not sure what exactly the rule includes...or doesn’t include but...I’m pretty sure it definitely means no...penetrative sex. That’s off limits.”

 

”But just a touch....that’s probably ok?”

 

Ryuk was caught between self preservation and his burning compulsion to touch that smooth, perfect skin. “You really want me to?”   _How...why..._

 

”As long as you don’t hurt me. Will you?”

 

”No, never.”

 

Light smiled up at him, and Ryuk blinked. ”Never Ryuk?”

 

Ryuk hesitated, choosing his words more carefully. ”Not like this I won’t.”

 

Ryuk pulled his long fingernails into his fingers and reached a tentative hand out to touch Light’s chest, stroking it so very carefully. “Your skin...its so soft.” _So warm._

 

”You prefer that human softness? It’s different from shinigami, isn’t it?”

 

Ryuk knew he should stop this right now. “Very different. It’s beautiful.” But couldn’t. A whisper, “You’re beautiful.”

 

Light shut his eyes as Ryuk stroked the skin of his arms, his chest, his stomach, just touching him and learning what his body felt like. It wasn’t unpleasant at all. It made him sleepy, relaxed him. Ryuk’s hand was large but controlled, and his caresses were not pushy or urgent but rather like a new, slow intimacy between them. Anxious and novel. He let go of worry, sighing into it. “That’s so relaxing, feels so nice...you’re going to...put me right to sleep.”

 

Ryuk exhaled quietly. ”Sleep then Light, if that’s what you need.”

 

“Stay here next to me tonight..will you?” _Don’t leave my snare. Sit with your thoughts of me all night. Sit with what you are, what I am._

 

”Ok Light, if you want me to.”

 

”I do. You’re making me feel safe with you.” 

 

”But you aren’t.” _A lie already..._

 

”I know Ryuk, but let me pretend.” _Or I wont sleep tonight either._ But he did fall asleep, chest rhythmically rising and falling beneath that monstrous hand.

 

Ryuk pulled his hand back from Light, and laid his head down next to the sleeping human. _I don’t understand this. I suppose it is a trick. I don’t care._

 

He watched Light all night, stroking his body when he stirred or seemed about to wake. And Light never did, until morning. Never knew.

 

———

 

The next night Ryuk didn’t presume he’d be invited to Lights bed again, but he of course hoped he would.

 

”Ryuk, you can lay here at night from now on. You don’t have to sit in the corner.”

 

Ryuk flapped over to rest on the bed next to Light, this time laying a bit closer to him. “Do you want to fall asleep again like last night? Did that help?”

 

”It did Ryuk. But...I’m surprised you care. Why do you?” _Let’s push deeper now that you’ve gotten a taste._

 

”I just like to touch you.” _Don’t say any more._   _The rest is red hot danger._

 

Light took his shirt off again but this time took Ryuk’s hand and guided him to stroke his nipples. “If you do...that’s a very sensitive spot for me.” He released Ryuk’s hand when he felt the shinigami begin to brush his nipple in a way that felt good, moving to the other side and circling it erect as well. 

 

Ryuk felt dizzy, so confused. _I have no weapon against you._ “Light...are you attracted to me? I must appear as ....very repulsive to you. Don’t I?” _I must appear as death incarnate to you..._

 

Light stared at him a while and simply said, “I don’t find you repulsive at all.” _And that’s surprisingly the truth. Your power Ryuk...it excites me..._ He looked at Ryuk’s mouth, the teeth appeared dangerous to him, sharp. Softly, “Your mouth...would it cut me...” _Mine will cut you._

 

Ryuk looked at him with surprise. “I can make sure it doesn’t. What do you want me to do?”

 

Light guided Ryuk’s mouth to his nipple and gasped at the strange feeling of his tongue, which could wrap around his nipple and tug at it while licking.

 

Ryuk’s hand moved across Light’s chest and body, stroking him softly as he had the night before. “Is this pleasureable for you?”

 

Light took a deep breath and nodded, “Very...”

 

“Do you want more? Or shall I put you to sleep again...”

 

”Tonight sleep Ryuk....”

 

”As you wish Light.”

 

———

 

The next night, Ryuk didn’t wait for the invitation but laid down next to Light. “Light this seems odd to me.” _And that’s an understatement._

 

”What does?” 

 

”You’re beautiful and young, you could have any human.”

 

”But no one can have a god. No one but me.”

 

”So, it’s the power I have...” _And that’s it then_.

 

”Yes, that, and the way you touch me. It’s not what I expected. It’s like...a feeling of worship...and that feeling coming from you, a real immortal...it’s intense.”

 

 _So you do know. And I still can’t stop myself can I?_ ”How shall I touch you tonight?”

 

”Can you kiss me? Without hurting me?”

 

”Yes.”

 

”Then kiss me. I want to know that feeling.” _A kiss from a god._

 

Ryuk blinked but leaned in and pressed his mouth against Light’s, and Light parted his lips and let their tongues touch. It was strange how Ryuk could change and mold his form to fit him. His mouth did not feel too large, or alien or jagged. Light was surprised to find it as soft as his own, as if matched to him. He pulled back and looked up at Ryuk, amused, “How do you do that?”

 

”Do what?”

 

”Change yourself to suit me?”

 

”I don’t know. I don’t think I’m consciously doing it.”

 

“I want to feel your wings Ryuk.”

 

So Ryuk let them extend out as best he could while laying on his side, and shivered a bit as Light threaded fingers delicately through feathers. 

 

“I wish I had wings.”

 

Ryuk shut his eyes. “Well you can touch mine any time you want to, hyuk.”

 

Light was quiet for awhile, just touching silky feathers as Ryuk sighed. _And I pull the trap’s jaws wide, it’s spring a hair trigger._ Quiet, ”If you bring me to orgasm, do you think that is forbidden to you?”

 

“Hyuk!” Ryuk’s eyes flew open. _Is he serious??_ ”I think... it should be ok.” _Is this for real?_ “Are you sure?”

 

”Yes.” 

 

”How?”

 

Light pulled his pants off and took Ryuk’s hand, placing it on his erection. “You really don’t know what to do? You’ve watched me enough times I think.”

 

 _I do know Light._ Ryuk licked his hand and got it wet then grasped Light’s cock, stroking it slowly and feeling it get harder in his oversized hand. “Like this?” He gazed into Light’s eyes to gauge his reaction.

 

Light arched up into Ryuk’s stroke, nodding, “Yessss..” _A god is getting me off..._  “Fuck... that feels good.”

 

 _I’m caught. Why fight against it now..._ “I’ll bring you to orgasm, Light, but....” He touched Light’s hair. “Don’t look at me, ok? Close your eyes and pretend it’s someone else and just let go.”

 

 _No that won’t do._ Light turned his eyes to stare at Ryuk, his breath catching as the pleasure built. “And what if I don’t want to think about someone else? What if I want to be here in this moment, with you...” He moaned softly as Ryuk’s grip got firmer, his stroke faster. “...with this...” 

 

”Light...” But he didn’t want to finish that sentence, didn’t want to ruin this. 

 

”That feels so fucking good....focus on the head now...oh shit...now faster....yes...” He grabbed the sheets and dug his fingers into them hard, pushing his hips up into Ryuk’s hand. “I...I’m going to come...” He was moaning and panting, watching Ryuk’s hand pumping him exactly how he’d said, his cock nearly completely engulfed in long black fingers. _I’ll fall apart for you, to fall apart for me._

 

And Light shot through Ryuk’s grip and onto his chest, breathing deeply and trying not to moan loudly enough to wake anyone in the house. He fell back against the pillow with a satisfied sigh as Ryuk’s fingers uncurled from around him. He shut his eyes, feeling relaxed and peaceful. Smiling, “That was good Ryuk.”

 

”I think I can probably get better...with more practice...” _Oh please let me get better for you Light._

 

”Well you aren’t dead so I guess this is ok.” He laughed softly to himself, drifting into sleep. _You’re lost Ryuk. Nearly lost._ But he was brought to semi-wakefulness as he felt a long warm tongue on his stomach. “Ryuk what are you doing...”

 

”Cleaning you...should I stop?” _I want to taste you. Taste human perfection._

 

Light sighed, “No.” _Don’t stop._ And he let himself finally fall to untroubled dreams.

 

———-

The next night, Light was completely naked and laying next to Ryuk. It was starting to feel comfortable. 

 

“You feel desire Ryuk. But if shinigami aren’t allowed to have sex, do you experience pleasure? Orgasm? Release? How does it work?”

 

Ryuk gazed down at him. “Yes there is a way. But we don’t have...compatible anatomy for humans. It’s more of...a change in our emotions I guess. We experience it mentally not physically.”

 

 ”Explain it to me.”

 

”I can’t very well. It hasn’t happened often.”

 

”Try.”

 

Ryuk sighed. _I shouldn’t. It’s a weapon to him._   But he let his hand become incorporeal anyway and pressed it into Light’s chest until he could feel that steady mortal heartbeat, the expansion of lungs like wings unfurled. “This is how shinigami can become one with those that experience physical pleasure. We can take...and we can give something back.” And to show Light, he brought to mind what he felt as he had touched Light for the very first time and shared it with him...pushing that emotion to Light.

 

Light gasped and his eyes widened as if jolted by electricity. He shuddered and went rigid on the bed with the intensity of that alien emotion. Only when Ryuk pulled his hand back did Light relax again into slightly panting breath. He looked back to Ryuk, a bit awed by what he’d felt, and Ryuk’s ability. Softly, “That was intense Ryuk.”

 

”It probably would be for a human. We shinigami have had a lot of practice keeping things under wraps. And some pretty good threats if we don’t.” _I’ll probably find out the hard way._

 

”So...you can experience what I physically feel this way, and I’d feel your emotions? And that would be like an orgasm to you?”

 

”Yes.”

 

”I want to try it.” He took Ryuk’s hand and guided it back to his chest, feeling it sink in again.

 

Ryuk’s eyes shone. “Yes...” He leaned down slowly to kiss Light, feeling Light’s heart speed as their lips met, feeling the sensations of softness and excitement from Light, his enjoyment. His growing arousal, a desire for power. _That’s real..._

 

And Light felt Ryuk’s overwhelming excitement and how incredibly precious this moment was to him. His aching loneliness, his deep admiration for Light. His love. _Oh there it is._ Light pulled back and gazed into burning eyes that knew everything he’d shared and saw no regret there. Light whispered, “You love me.”

 

“I do.” _And now I’m dead, aren’t I?_

 

”Then don’t kill me...”

 

Ryuk kissed him again and Light immediately felt, knew, Ryuk’s internal struggle between his lethally designed nature and what he wanted but couldn’t have. Had known he had felt it for a good long while. 

 

Ryuk pulled back, seeing..feeling the gears in Light’s mind turning towards his doom. “You already know I don’t want to Light. But it is what I am.” _And I know you want to kill me._

 

Light pushed the covers down and started to stroke his already erect cock, locking eyes with the shinigami as he teased himself. A whisper, “And do you feel this Ryuk?”

 

But he could already tell that Ryuk was, as his breath had sped up and he was panting against Light’s neck softly. _Why am I doing this to myself...this is suicide._ “Yes Light...I feel it...” He shuddered slightly as Light traced lightly over the head and slit, rubbing the leaking precum around in slow circles. _A pleasant suicide._

 

Ryuk didn’t dare close his eyes but he felt simultaneously hot and cold, heavy and floating, dying and being born. _If he kills me...will I care now?_ He tongued Light’s neck, the pleasure returned to him, whispering against fragile skin, “Light...Light....the emptiness of my life...of eternity...do you understand...” 

 

And Light did. He was traveling through dust in Ryuk’s mind, flying across a black hole in a neverending desert. The nothingness was crippling. And here Light was at the very end of it, an oasis in a meaningless existence, reaching out to offer something that was irresistible. Water poured through hands that couldn’t hold it. Wind flowing to breath that couldn’t catch it. A pinprick of callous care brought to an orb of self hate grown enormous, but fragile to bursting. And the danger of that. The fear as it approached, not as a stab but as a kiss. 

 

“Ryuk....” Light felt wave after wave of Ryuk’s shinigami emotions pass into him and he wondered at the shallowness of everything he’d ever felt before. He was overcome. _Don’t, a god does not cry._

 

Ryuk moved lower, his long tongue trailing down Light’s smooth body, a mouth both lethal and gentle, for him, for Light. He got close to Light’s cock and looked to him for permission. _The poison is here. Let me drink._

 

And Light nodded, removing his hand.

 

Ryuk pushed his other hand through Light and removed the first, stroking Light’s body with safe fingertips. His mouth went lower and he extended his tongue to lick Light from the bottom of his cock to the top, both of them tensing with the foreign and intense sensations. _The razor is here. Let me cut._

 

Light gasped and looked down to watch a god take him into his mouth and start to suck lightly. His body jerked hard as he felt Ryuk’s long tongue wrap around his cock inside that monstrous mouth and move to stroke him, so maddeningly slow. He shuddered, it was so overwhelmingly pleasureable, breathlessly moaning, “Oh my god...I didn’t know...it was possible to feel this...” 

 

 _The fire is here. Let me burn._ Ryuk let his own thoughts flow into Light, a desire for endless nights of pleasure like this, and all the wonders he could show him about his own mortal body merged with the intoxicating emotions of an immortal. The heights he could take him to, if Light let him. His own hunger for it, only with Light. A burning he’d never felt in eons of time, a fire ignited in a god.

 

 _By me_. It was more than flattering, more than a compliment, an ego boost. It was a blow, a strike, a wound to Light, and it bled back to Ryuk.

 

Ryuk only coiled his tongue tighter around Light’s cock, pulling Light’s hips up toward his mouth, listening to Light trying hard to keep his moaning quiet and not entirely succeeding. _The noose has been hung. Let me jump._

 

Light brought a fist to his mouth, trying hard to stifle himself, but he was shaking now beneath Ryuk. _Its as if he knows exactly how to pleasure me the most...in exactly the right way, right place, right pressure and..._ “Ahhh.” His body clenched violently as Ryuk sucked the head hard, his coiled tongue sliding up and down Light’s shaft faster and faster, and Light went limp beneath him. There was no point fighting this, what was—it was now obvious—going to be the most intense orgasm Light had ever had. 

 

Instead, Light just breathed deeply and leaned into the sensations and Ryuk’s emotions, until that sun got closer and closer, nearly incinerating him as he finally came, arching into Ryuk’s mouth with a surprised gasp. He let Ryuk lift his hips and milk his cock completely dry, whimpering and trembling as if it was the first orgasm he’d ever had.

 

And in a way, it was. Because nothing could ever compare to this feeling, and to what Ryuk was sharing with him in parallel. It was worship, and more than that. It was every kind of uniqueness, of onliness, and being the single most important and beautiful thing ever to exist. To Ryuk, that’s what he was. _That’s what he is telling me._

 

 _Nobody else would ever feel that way about me. Nobody ever could._  

 

That’s what Ryuk was pushing into Light’s mind in this moment, as Light came down from that tearing orgasm. _Your_   _mortal life is precious to me._   _My immortal life is not._ Ryuk rested his forehead on Light’s hip and was still. _Here is my surrender. I have lost._

 

Light thought back with some relief: _You won’t kill me._  

 

Ryuk moved his ghostly hand to touch Light’s heart, feel each beat spent, wasted, on him in this moment. And he thought back to Light. _No. I can’t._

 

They laid there quietly for a few moments, until the ache Light was feeling from Ryuk was nearly too much.

 

_I can’t either._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I’d love your comments 
> 
> This is *not* part of my Checkmate story but is set in that AU, in some other timeline where Light let Ryuk in. It’s an offshoot of ‘Bad Bishop’ (http://archiveofourown.org/works/12676392).
> 
> It was inspired by conversations with and writings of EspressoAtMidnight and Xoira and our different ways of looking at Light and Ryuk’s relationship, and how I wished it was. Or, how I see it in my own mind (which is happy to chuck canon out the window when I please).


End file.
